Table of Contents

• Kansas City Preview

• Power Rankings - NEW!

• Player Substitutions

• Matchups + Where to Watch

• MLP Spectator Discount

• Catch the Latest Pod

• Join Our Discord Community

Kansas City, land of champions

Love MLP or hate it, we’re ready for another action-packed weekend in Kansas City, where 10 Premier teams and 5 Challenger teams are ready to give it their all. [Carolina was scheduled to play this event, but for unkown reasons are no longer attending.]

Here are the teams facing off this week, starting on Saturday, and their current by-points standing:

Premier Level Teams

Dallas Flash (1), Texas Ranchers (2), St. Louis Shock (3), NY Hustlers (4), D.C. Pickleball Team (6), LA Mad Drops (7), AZ Drive (9), Columbus Sliders (10), Orlando Squeeze (11), Utah Black Diamonds (12)

Challenger Level Teams
Atlanta Bouncers (1), Bay Area Breakers (3), SoCal Hard Eights (4), California Black Bears (9), Chicago Slice (10)

MLP Power Rankings: Classic YouTube Video Edition

Guest author, Scruffles McGuffie, plucked from our KOTC Discord, has a rundown of team power rankings for Kansas City

Anybody can throw together a list of Power Rankings for the current MLP season; Shock on top (or Dallas?), Utah on the bottom, a bunch of “meh” in between. But it takes real artistry to tie those Power Rankings into a corresponding theme. And that’s just the extra mile we’re willing to run for you here at KOTC.

So grab your favorite beverage and get ready for a trip down early 2000s internet nostalgia lane. Many if not all of these videos should be instantly recognizable to anybody over the age of 30, but I’d encourage you to take this opportunity to actually revisit them in depth. In today’s crazy world of crappy replay systems and whiny pros, we all need a good dose of the kind of joy that only these videos can evoke. And honestly, the MLP is turning into a bit of a joke anyway, so let’s just have some fun.

12. Utah Black Diamonds (4 Points)

Watching the UBD fumble through the season so far has been like struggling to look away from a trainwreck unfolding before your very eyes. Before the season even started, UBD’s #1 draft pick demands a trade. Jay gets hurt, then traded. The women can’t seem to get on the same page, with both Alix and Callie playing well below expectations. Like Boom Goes the Dynamite guy, you almost want to look away out of sheer pity. But then, just when you think things couldn’t get any more cringeworthy, out of this absolute dumpster fire comes one of the most recognizable and iconic lines of all time. And that’s just what our guy Tyler has been: the one beautiful, glorious bright spot in an otherwise rambling, incoherent mess of a team.

11. Orlando Squeeze (7 Points)

This video is a bit of a deep cut, but just perfectly captures the season so far for Tyson McGuffin. His Magnus “LION” paddle looks menacing, and the lion-man himself has been hyped to be the most “electrifying” man in sports. When the Squeeze managed to trade for him, expectations and anticipation couldn’t have been higher. But after you zoom the camera in a bit, with an underwhelming 50% MLP win percentage, McGuffin has turned out to be just a very friendly looking (albeit exceedingly handsome) house cat. And all that stuff about beef between him and Tyler? Turns out Tyson actually seems like a pretty solid guy. Who saw that coming? But the Squeeze will need kitty’s claws to come out soon if they want to make a run at the playoffs. Meow!

10. Columbus Sliders (10 Points)

Remember when Riley made the cheeky comment about strapping on his Rolex and feeding balls at a clinic instead of playing MLP and PPA? Pretty hilarious, right? But, as Grape Stomp lady found out the hard way, karma is a real stinker. You try to get a little too cute, a little too clever, and the universe throws you out of a barrel of grapes, knocks the wind out of you, and you’re left gasping for air and embarrassed on a national stage. Hubris is a real bummer.

9. AZ Drive (10 Points)

If you were to google “least threatening video of all time”, this would have to be near the top, and the Drive have to be one of the least intimidating teams in the MLP right now. Kaitlyn Christian? Seems lovely, and did a great job in that tennis movie! Dylan Frazier? He’s like the nice friend of your son that you don’t mind coming over to the house and eating all your snacks because he’s just so darned polite. Andrei gets caught cheating, and what does he do? Just apologizes and owns it like a decent human being. Golly geez, shucks, these guys just seem so nice! The problem is they can’t seem to beat anybody at pickleball.

8. Carolina Pickleball Club (12 Points)

I dare you to watch this video and then think of little Ben and Collin sitting in that same situation and not pee in your pants. It’s just perfect. Plus the fame of this movie (886 million views are you kidding??!?!) compared with the banality of it just perfectly mirrors Ben’s undisputed GOAT status while delivering the most boring brand of pickleball imaginable. And the way the older brother whines and cries even though he’s the one who stuck his finger in there in the first place? Vintage Collin.

7. LA Mad Drops (14 Points)

Like the mythical creature at the end of the rainbow, Thomas Wilson has been unseen and unheard for the entire MLP season so far. His teammates have whittled whistles to get his attention, and are determined to track him down. But like all of us who strive after mythical creatures, hoping that their pot of gold will change our lives once we catch them, the LA Mad Drops have realized that the magic is actually within themselves. They don’t need a leprechaun and a pot of gold. But whoa, if he does actually reveal himself to exist before the end of the season, the Drops could very well be headed for the end of that playoff rainbow.

6. DC Pickleball Club (15 Points)

Speaking of Rainbows, Big Papa Jimmy has made his views about meditation and mindfulness well known, and Double Rainbow guy’s reaction in this beautiful video must resonate with him. Sure, James was a top 5 draft pick, but he still takes time to stop and smell the roses and enjoy nature. The rest of DC is off grinding away on a practice court, working on their cross court dinks, and Jimmy has his big headphones on and is sitting cross-legged under a tree somewhere contemplating the nature of the universe, crying from the sheer joy of being alive.

We should all wish to have an experience like YosemiteBear62 at some point in our miserable lives. Teach us your ways, BPJ!

5. New Jersey 5s (17 Points)

Imagine the peaceful, easy feeling that opponents have around game three or four against the Clowns. You’re up 2-1, worst case scenario you’re going to a Dreambreaker. You’re like a deer, sitting serenely in a beautiful meadow. And then, suddenly, you’re in the Dreambreaker, and in comes Fenton the Dog (Zane) to absolutely fuck shit up. He sprints in, destroys the serenity, chases you into the road and oncoming traffic, and you’re left screaming and wondering what just happened. Jesus Christ, Fenton!! Hey Big H, you’re up 24-12? Just relax, sit back, and enjoy. Just kidding! Here comes Fenton with a Nasty Nelson to the chin, ready to ruin your day!

4. New Jersey Hustlers (18 Points)

This video is right up there with the Warcraft Kid Freakout. Nobody gets angry and loses their mind like Bill O’Reilly Lea Jansen. Like Bill O’Reilly, Lea is at the absolute top of her game. She’s dominant, overpowering, and seems to have her finger on the pulse of all things pickleball. But holy shit, don’t cross her. Like good old Bill, she’s not afraid to make her displeasure apparent. F**k it, we’ll do it live!!

3. STL Shock (28 Points)

I mean, this one speaks for itself. Hayden is a short, angry little fella with a dirty mouth, making opponents cry and feel bad about themselves. Don’t be fooled by his lack of ability to grow a beard and the hat that’s two sizes too big; this kid packs a punch and has no problem bringing on a full blown existential crisis if you decide to step to him. There is no reasoning with him, and he just feeds on your misery. Pearl would be proud.

2. Texas Ranchers (29 Points)

Poor Charlie the Unicorn. Like Quang Duong, he’s been lured onto the team with promises of glory and renown. Candy Mountain, Charlie! Come on! Let’s go! But, like Charlie at the end of the video, the season will wrap up and poor Quang will realize he’s been lured to the Ranchers under false pretense. Given the bizarre and ever-changing keeper rules of the MLP, Quang will likely be used up and cut loose. But hey, that trip over the bridge of splinters to Candy Mountain sure will be exciting while it lasts!

1. Dallas Flash (31 Points)

This was a tough one. Evolution of Dance was a close second to capture the choreographed mastery of the Dallas Flash so far this season. Every part fits perfectly, and watching JW, Jorja, Tyra, and Augie seamlessly and intentionally float around the court is a thing of beauty. Admittedly, Augie is the dude in the red vest who is always seemingly just a half step behindand is REALLY concentrating on getting the moves down. But he’s in the band, and he never slips and falls.

Enjoy this weekend’s action! And be sure to jump into the Discord to give some ideas about what the next Power Rankings theme ought to be! Fast food restaurants? Disney villains? Christmas movies? We can jam these teams into any theme you guys can think of.

Substitutions

Just a few subs have been named, but more could be released by morning.

• Martin Emmerich in for Jack Munro (Chicago Slice)

• Blaine Hovenier subbing for Thomas Wilson (LA Mad Drops)

Daily Lineup

Use these day-by-day guides to find your favorite match-ups + where to watch. You can find live score updates on MLP’s website.